Water

I discovered when I started tracking water that I really don't drink very much in a day. Today, I have had 3/4 of a mug of coffee to drink. That's it. Gonna have to work on that.

Scales

So, I have a scale at home...I bought it when I joined WW the second time. It's a pretty nice digital scale, and it holds memory for up to 5 people. This week, as I have been working to stay on track, I have been weighing myself. This scale has shown as much as 4 pounds difference in one day...at one time, it had me 3 pounds different in 2 weighings less than 1 minute apart. I am going to have to banish the scale and rely only on the one at D's office. I'll drive myself nuts this way!

It's Not His Job

Reading back over my posts, I realize it sounds like I think D is the key to my success...like he is going to do the work. I post the two following scriptures to better explain why I think he is so important in this journey, but know that my getting healthy isn't his job. God fully encourages us to band with our friends for accountability and support in our faith, for strength in difficult times.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 ESV

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Proverbs 27:17 ESV

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Anxiety is the Enemy of Healthy

LOADS of undefined anxiety today. Don't know why...can't pinpoint a reason. Actually, it's been a good week. But P was gone to Chicago with her class this week and T has had play practice every night this week and C is on afternoons and money is tight and someone is paying attention to what I eat everyday.....so, yeah.

Anyway, all I want to do tonight is eat. So far, I have resisted.....Lord give me strength. When I feel this much anxiety, I usually calm myself with mindless games or tv and mindless munching. Tonight, I'm purposefully writing about it and mindfully making a decision not to eat a bunch of crap. Baby steps....

Good Day

Today was a pretty good day. I discovered I can add 1200 steps by doing 2 round trip loops around the inside of our school, and I was able to do that twice. I ate healthily today, and felt less sluggish and bloated. After school seems to be a problem...I get in the car and start thinking about all the things that sound good to eat. I caved and had a Rice Krispie treat...it was good. While I was at T's drama practice, I took another 15 minute walk in the gym, for a grand total of 45 minutes of walking today. All in all, today was a success.

Feelings

I guess feelings are going to be a huge part of this journey. I should have seen that coming.

Someone told me one time that I should pay attention to how I feel when I eat, especially when I overeat or eat while not hungry. Let me tell you how I feel when I eat...

When I feel sad, I eat.
When I feel frustrated, I eat.
When I feel tired, bored, or down, I eat.
When I have anxiety, I eat.
When I am celebrating, I eat.

Are you getting the picture here?

And here's the other thing...I show love through food. If someone is getting married, I want to cook a meal a month for them. If someone has a baby, I send a casserole. If a friend is coming into town to bury his mother, I stock the hotel fridge. If the kids have a great day at school, we go out to eat. If one of them has a particularly bad day, we go out to eat. If we have one on one time, we dine out together. My husband and I go out to eat on the rare occasions we get to spend time together. My mission work is feeding hungry people...nothing makes me happier than taking food to Lutheran Outreach.

I'm not sure I even know how to have feelings without food.

I can tell you that last night, after the house was quiet and I had time to sit and process my first meeting with D, I had anxiety...major up in my throat, can't breathe deeply anxiety. I was surprised how intense the feelings were regarding this move. I'm confused as to why I feel so anxious after taking a positive move. I guess I have years of broken feelings to deal with, and this is just one of them.

337

So the official starting number is 337. I didn't cry when I had to get on the scale. D was empathetic and I could see he knew what a big deal this is for me. He and I talked a lot about what my expectations are...he had questions about my eating habits. It was clear to me that he had already given this a lot of thought and was ready to commit to helping me. My very talkative 9 year old boy was with me, and that caused some of the conversation to be stunted, but I think we are off to a good start.

On the way out the door, I asked D to pray for me as this journey unfolds. He said he already had prayed about this and would continue. I really believe God brought me to D for a reason.

So...here we go.

I feel sick

Sitting in the parking lot, waiting for D. I feel ill. I don't want to weigh in front of him. I feel like such a failure...such a loser. Hate myself completely right now. Just being perfectly honest.

When he gets here, I will lie and make jokes and act like it's no big deal, but this is about to kill me. Ugh.

Fat Tuesday

Ok, well, Fat Wednesday. Today I meet with D for the first time. I wanted to eat like a death row inmate at the last meal, and really, I kinda did...McDonald's sausage and egg muffin for breakfast, pizza rolls for lunch. Can't say I'm very satisfied, though, so that's good.

I'm both excited and dreading this start...I've had so many. I got all pissy earlier because I HAVE to go meet D at 6 and that's really just in the middle of the evening, and really, that's just going to jack up everything....and then I remembered that's the time I set up and I'm the one who initiated this...and I asked myself why I want to fail so badly. I didn't really get an answer, so I'm assuming I'm just looking for excuses.

So I'll be there at 6. To get weighed in. By a guy. Who is in great shape. What was I thinking again? Oh yeah....I don't wanna die.

Acquiring a Mentor

I am irresponsible. I can obviously not be trusted with my own well-being. After all, I have had this body now for 43 years, and what have I done with it but neglect it and abuse it?  I've let it fall into disrepair, knowing full and well that it's the only one I will get. It's broken down, ugly, out of shape, and pretty well worthless. It hurts all the time. I know how to take care of it, I just don't. I don't exercise it, I don't fuel it properly, and I don't rest it well.

It's kind of surprising, really, when you consider all the things I can manage quite well...my children, their education, my career, my husband's diabetes, my parents' doctor's appointments, the bills, my social life, my church obligations.  All of these things outside of myself, I handle beautifully. But this one treasured resource, I can't take care of.

Today, I weigh 336 pounds. My waist is 57", my hips are 64", my thighs are 36", my calves are 23", and my upper arms are 23". You would think with all that pork, the US government is in charge of my body. But the truth  is, NO ONE is in charge of it. I weigh exactly 3 times what the guidelines say I should weigh. My BMI is 57.7. How am I not dead?

The answer is, by the Grace of God! I don't have high blood pressure, I don't have diabetes. I don't have high cholesterol...must be God. He is giving me a chance to make a change before I have to...to avoid a heart attack or a debilitating stroke...to become all He wants me to be by using the gifts he gives me to the fullest.

I took a bold first step this past week. I asked a man I know who is very  health conscious to be my mentor...my accountability partner. I see his posts on Facebook all the time...he rides his bike for health and recreation, and is in great shape. He was an athlete in high school, has a fantastic family, and he is just the kind of guy that usually intimidates the hell out of me. But I know he's a man of God, I know he worships faithfully and leads his family in church, and I know God didn't lead me to ask him just to have me injured by him. I'll meet him once a week at his church for a weigh in and a "atta girl" or some encouragement. I'll have to face him every 7 days to be accountable for my behavior. I'll know he's praying for me as I struggle.

I feel good about this. Right now, I'm not strong enough to be accountable for this part of my life. But I feel God has led me to someone who will help me get there.

My first goal is to have the courage to stand on the scale in front of him. I already told you what I weigh, so that's a start, but it's going to be hard. I'm ashamed of the state I'm in. But I'm not a victim...I did this to myself, and I can take a step in the right direction.

Chrysalis

chrys·a·lis

noun \ˈkri-sə-ləs\

plural chry·sal·i·des or chrys·a·lis·es

Definition of CHRYSALIS

1

a : a pupa of a butterfly; broadly : an insect pupa

b : the hardened outer protective layer of a pupa

2

: a protecting covering : a sheltered state or stage of being or growth