Missed Week

I missed my weigh in the week. I had to go to my nephew's graduation, and we tried to reschedule for Friday, but got our wires crossed. I don't think it's been a great two weeks, and I am feeling nervous about going this week. 

I did a lot of stress eating. 

I think it's time to add some exercise. I'll go to the Y in Edwardsville this week to sign up. 

One Month Down

Well, I'm a month in.

After I weigh tonight, I will have completed 4 cycles. 

Salad Rage

Last week, I kind of hit the salad wall. I've been eating salads at lunch every day because they are low in points, tasty, and pretty easy to get together in my short lunch period. I change it up with different toppings and veggies and dressings, so it's not like it's the same thing day after day.

On Thursday, I was cutting up a pepper for my salad, and my co-worker came in. She asked why I was hacking at the pepper like Lizzie Borden.  I hadn't realized it, but I was directing a whole lot of repressed frustration at that poor pepper. I got to thinking about what I was doing and I realized I was just PISSED OFF at the thought of eating another salad.

What I really wanted was a big fat juicy cheeseburger. I hadn't realized how bored I was getting with my routine, in spite of changing ingredients. So, I took a few days off from salads over the weekend. I don't think I had a great food weekend, for sure, but it did break up the monotony.

Yesterday, we went on a field trip with school. The sack lunch that the school provided would have been about 18 points, and had no nutritional value that I could see.  I chose not to eat it, and didn't break down and get something out of the vending machines.  When I got back to school, I made myself a ginormous salad...

You know what? It was really good.

Good Week, Bad Week

It's been a while since I've posted. My computer at home is dead, thanks to one of the children trying to download a game and instead downloading some heinous virus. I have the iPad, but it's really a pain to type on it, and I've not been able to log in to Blogger from my work computer until today.

SO, I've got a little catching up to do. Last week was awesome. I lost 6 pounds. I was way under points most days, probably due to the stress of worrying about my boobs. What an amazing relief to find out the girls are fine.

This week, I've stayed within points, but my home scale says I haven't lost anything. I wonder if I am going to have to stay under in order to lose. If so, that's fine...I think I can do it.

I discovered that traveling is bad for my plan. Because I don't have a smart phone or any device that allows me to connect to the internet, I failed to track as accurately as I should. I am certain I missed some things, but I think I got close. Also, the lack of structure seemed to really mess with me. While I am at work, I have scheduled times to get up, eat my meals, and limited access to things that might tempt me. I am very worried how I will do when school gets out on the 6th.

One thing I'm considering is joining the Edwardsville Y. We had a membership to Leisure World for 2 years. Quite honestly, it was a joke. Too many people there who I know...too  much embarrassment to be seen...plus, the pool is gross. If you break it down, we paid about $250 per visit. Holy crap.  The Y offers so much more for the kids, and we spend a lot of time in Edwardsville with both of the older two attending school there. If nothing else, it will provide something for us to do this summer.

Those are my thoughts for now...terrible post, but I can't be brilliant every time.  Haha...........

Waiting to Exhale

Not having cancer rocks.

Silent

I am silent because I think if I start writing, the fear will creep up inside me and I won't be able to keep it within me. I am rescheduled for Wednesday morning, and that seems like 10 years from now.

I do have some vague idea what it is like to be my husband....I can't stop thinking about my boobs.

I am sticking to the plan...hyper-focusing on it for the moment. Finding some enjoyment in cooking healthy food...

Mam-O-gram

Mammogram. Sounds like Hattie McDaniel ought to be standing at my door with a birthday message. It's a ridiculous word for a procedure that can only be described as awkward and uncomfortable. It's a necessary procedure for those of us in the over 40 crowd, and it definitely saves lives, but dang, I hate getting one.  That's why I put off getting one for almost 3 years...2010 was my last one.

I finally made an appointment for one this past Saturday, inspired by my friend Kirsten who has had a recent diagnosis of breast cancer, surgeries, and is now starting chemo.

I went in, did the thing, and at the end, the tech asked for one more view.  When it was over, I went on my merry way and didn't give it another thought.

Until yesterday, when I received a message from the Patient Navigator.

I don't get cell service in my classroom. Our school building is a concrete bunker; nothing gets in or out. So I didn't receive the call during office hours. I checked messages as I was leaving, at 3:45. I called the office back, thinking I might catch her before she left, but got an answering machine. So I left a message and drove home, vaguely wondering what a Patient Navigator is.

Later last night, when I had a little time and the kids were in bed, I looked up "patient navigator" on the SAHC website.  I was a little shocked when I saw, "Our Patient Navigator is a healthcare professional who is available to guide you and your family through the entire process of diagnosis and treatment at Saint Anthony’s Health Center. The Patient Navigator is a single point of contact who will be there with you every step of the way — to assist with scheduling initial tests and consultations, as well as collaborate with members of the medical team to ensure information is current and understood by all of the physicians, nurses and other team members. Patient Navigators help each patient and family members understand his or her cancer diagnosis and plan of care."

Woah. diagnosis and treatment of cancer? Holy cow, that's a punch in the gut. Of course, my brain went into overdrive. Then I realized, she calls everyone after a mammogram. Right? Just to let them know the results are normal. Right? I called the hospital to ask that very question, and the girl on the phone assured me that she most likely probably does call everyone. Well good, now I could sleep.

And sleep I did, like a baby. As a matter of fact, I didn't give it another thought until about 1:45 this afternoon.  I called the patient navigator office, ready to hear that my mammogram was normal and to schedule next year's screening.

Only, no.

Evidently, the findings were abnormal, and they need me to come in for some "additional views."

Not a problem, I say, I'm available before 7:30 in the  morning and after 4:00 in the afternoon.  When can I come in? No, that won't work, because they need to do it when "the whole team is present."  You know, just in case they need to do further testing immediately. Oh holy hell. So we schedule the appointment for this coming Friday at 10:30, right in the middle of a work day (a field trip day, at that...principals love to hear that you won't be there for your class' field trip).  Now I will wait and pray and hope it's a harmless calcification or some other thing that will make me think writing this post was a waste of time.

On the Bright Side

On the bright side (I looked back and realized my last few posts were a little gloomy), it appears as though I have slayed one of my most fierce dragons...SODA.

I really worried about giving up my one little nightly soda, and finding something good to drink with pizza. Turns out, water is not so bad. I have had about 8 ounces of soda in the past 10 or so days. I don't really miss it.

This is a huge surprise for me! I smoked cigarettes for about 15 years. I never really tried to quit. I didn't smoke during my first two pregnancies, and it was not hard, but as soon as I had them, I went back to it. In 2002, a special friend died of cancer. I had promised her I would quit smoking before she died. I never picked up another cigarette after July 2 of that year. No cravings, no bitchiness...just, done.

So far, that's how I feel about soda. Just, done. Thank you God for deliverance. I know I didn't quit cigarettes, I was delivered. It must be the same thing with the soda.

And so shall it be with the rest of this journey.

Feeling Anxious

I'm apprehensive about weighing tomorrow. I have had a few slip ups this week, although I have stayed within daily points or used weekly allowance points. My home scale, though, has me gaining 2 pounds as of today. Of course, that scale IS certifiably schizophrenic.

At any rate, I will stick with the plan and go face the music either way, and I will not be deterred. Right?

Bleh.

I blew this day. Paige made cookies, and I drank chocolate milk when I knew I didn't have any points left. I still have my weekly points, so I haven't blown the week, but after 10 days of doing so well, I don't feel good about this.

It's pretty amazing how quickly the negative self talk returns with this type of behavior. I'm seeing a very clear link between over eating and self loathing. I am going to go put this bad attitude to bed and start new in the morning.

Liar, Liar

I have been so tempted this weekend, and have tried to deceive D by not logging what I eat. Oh, I eventually log it, but it's only after wrestling with my conscience (can I earn activity points for that?) I guess it really doesn't matter...whether or not I keep an accurate record of what I eat, my body will.

I Have WHAT?!?!?

Polyarticular Hyperuricemia.

What the hell is that?? Well, it's gout. You know, old people's swollen big toe disease. Except it's not in my big toe, it's in all of my saddle joints and ball joints and pivot joints. It has caused me terrible pain all day, every day for the last 3 1/2 weeks.

Coincidentally, it's been 4 weeks since I started my journey to a healthier body. I can't help but think this is a direct assault on my effort to be healthy. I have been in such bad shape for so long, not caring for the temple God has given me, yet have no major illnesses or injuries to show for it. Now that I am making a move to honor God with my body, something ridiculous shows up.

That's ok, though...I'll find a way around it.

Damn You, Satan!

I told you I lost 5 pounds this week. Look what was waiting for me when I got to lunch today! I used it to prop up my iPad while I read. WIN!

Salad Dressing

Last night at my first accountability weigh in, D and I discussed the food choices I had made in the past week. We talked about WW and whether it had specific food guidelines, or if you just have to stay within the bounds of your points allowance. I acknowledged that you could, indeed, eat complete crap as long as you don't go over points, and you will still lose weight. However, as you lose weight, you get fewer points, so you're kind of forced to make healthier decisions as you shrink, because you won't have the luxury of "extra" points to use up.

I find myself having to eat something before bed most days because I am not close to using my points  for the day.  WW wants you to eat all of your points each day because it helps maintain a healthy metabolism and keep you satisfied. They are smart enough to know that a sluggish metabolism paired with a cranky, hungry person is not going to be a successful formula.

SO, I had one day last week in which I ate McDonald's for breakfast, pizza rolls for lunch, and Roma's Pizza for supper...not a proud health day. But I still lost weight this week. That can't go on forever, and it didn't happen again last week...it was my last hurrah to junk food. But D brought up one area of my eating that did merit a little attention: salad dressing. 

I have been eating a salad of spinach and various greens at lunch every day...bell peppers, sugar snap peas, mushrooms, etc. I love my salads. But I love them because I put salad dressing on them! I don't over do it, but it's there, and it consumes a LOT of points for its nutritional value, which is ZILCH!

D talked about the fact that it does nothing to provide nutrition, is loaded with fat and salt, and that I could spare a lot of points by avoiding it. 

He's right. However, I am not prepared to give it up just yet. I have loads of points to use each day, I am losing weight, and I am still a baby at this. I know that as I mature in this walk, I will have to make some grown up decisions. But right now, I want that salad dressing!

3%

I lost FIVE pounds this week!

That is only about 3% of the weight I have to lose. That means I have 97% still to lose. But I am not overwhelmed. I am not discouraged. I am PUMPED!

5 pounds...lets look at that in practical terms.

5 pounds is:

20 sticks of butter.
Almost 3/4 of a gallon of milk.
A normal sized Chihuahua.
Around 2500 Plain M&Ms.
Around 905 U.S. Pennies.
20 Quarter Pounders at McDonalds.

Yeah...I rocked it.

And I got TWO high-fives from D, so I know it was a good week.

Exhausted

So D sent me a video from a cross training guru...it was images of people working their asses off to get in shape...and a guy voice over talking about the motivation to do it. The thing that stuck out to me was the reference to being EXHAUSTED and it being a positive connotation. Exhausted is a state I am used to, but it's not positive. It comes from being under rested and over fed on processed junk and running myself ragged. I hate the word exhausted because it is a statement of something that HAPPENS to me, that I am a victim of.
It's a new paradigm to look at EXHAUSTED as a goal. I don't know if I am ready to go there yet, but I kinda like the way it sounds. I'm exploring this in my mind, turning it over and examining it and trying to figure out how it will feel...to be EXHAUSTED from caring for myself, from doing something beneficial...from leaving it all on the treadmill or track or wherever.

Tonight is my first results weigh in. I had a pretty good week food wise, at least relatively. I'm excited to see what I accomplished. Maybe this coming week, I will try to get EXHAUSTED at least one time.